Years ago, I read an article in a scientific journal about female ambiguity, written by a gynecologist from Rio de Janeiro, Dr. Nelson Socou, with the following title: “A study on ambiguity in women.” Let’s reflect on this.

Dr. Nelson explains in his article that although it is a difficult topic to explore, practical observation of women’s lives, behavior, and speech, his clinical experience as a gynecologist, literature in general, as well as the arts and mythology, offer a wealth of information about this trait of the female make-up.

In fact, men and women are ambiguous; however, women go much further in this characteristic, in addition to having something somewhat concealed in their being. But let’s first define what “ambiguity” means. Ambiguity means that which has, or may have, different meanings; that which is uncertain or undefined; that which may have more than one meaning; obscurity of meaning; ambivalence; paradox.

A young woman complained that her boyfriend didn’t take the initiative to invite her out for a snack somewhere. He usually asked her where she would prefer to go. The young woman’s complaint was that she would like him to say firmly, something like: “Let’s go have a snack at that certain cafeteria over there.” But what can happen when a man acts like this with a woman? She may think he wants to dominate her and not give her a chance to choose. If he chooses, she may feel controlled by him; and if he lets her choose, she may think he lacks initiative. This is just a small example of female ambiguity.

I imagine that many of you women may find my analysis of this subject, about ambiguity, to be sexist or flawed. I do think it has flaws, because it is only possible to fully understand things like this when we are of the same sex, because the male mind works differently from the female mind in many ways. It is not possible to equate the male and female perspectives on many aspects of life.

Freud has a well-known quote about female ambiguity, when he said: “What do women want, after all?” We can understand that women have frequent hormonal fluctuations due to their menstrual cycle; they have an emotional life with a stronger emotional charge than men. This is not negative or inferior, but rather something inherent in female biology.

One of the female ambiguities has to do with wanting and not wanting pregnancy. Women are sometimes torn between maintaining a body with aesthetic characteristics that provoke desire in men and, on the other hand, wanting motherhood. Although in recent decades men have spent time and money seeking an attractive body, a certain degree of narcissism seems to be more common in women. On the other hand, in order for women to experience motherhood, they have to give up, at least temporarily, the permanence of a sculptural body, due to the changes inherent in pregnancy. Pregnancy and childbirth involve considerable sacrifice for women’s bodies, because after the birth of the baby, the body does not always return to its previous state.

Another factor contributing to female ambiguity is the aging process, which is more intense and rapid in women than in men. This explains why many women fear aging and losing physical characteristics that are pleasing to the eye.

The inconsistency—or rather, the inconstancy—of attitudes and behaviors, and the relative emotional instability of women, are linked to psychosexual and hormonal aspects. From a psychological point of view, women have a strong autoerotic and self-love component in relation to their bodies, and to a certain extent, they are sexual objects of themselves. A woman once said that she liked to wear sexy clothes not to show off, but for her own pleasure.

When we think about the meaning of men’s emotional desire for women and women’s emotional desire for men, there is also a huge difference in this regard. Men desire women, and women desire men’s desire for them. For women, this is everything, and for men, it can be too much. Initially, men are attracted to women’s bodies, and women are initially attracted to certain traits of the male personality.

In the past, it was said that men gave love to get sex, and women gave sex to get love. Recently, things have gotten worse, because women give sex for sex itself, that is, there has been a devaluation, a degradation, a superficialization of the emotional relationships between men and women. What a pity, and how sad, right?

Let’s look at the case of marital infidelity: when a woman cheats on her husband and gets involved with someone else, what distresses the husband most is knowing whether or not she had sex with her rival. But in the case of a woman who has been cheated on by her husband, what she most wants to know, in general, is whether he liked this other woman, whether he had any feelings for her. Why? Because sex can be something fleeting, superficial, purely carnal; but feelings involve something deeper.

Women find it easier to know what is going on in a man’s mind in terms of affection, desire, fidelity, or infidelity because, in general, men are more transparent to them. However, what goes on in a woman’s mind is almost impenetrable to most men, and women can be incomprehensible even to themselves.

When we analyze women’s speech or conversation, we see that there seems to be no logic to it—which has nothing to do with intelligence. It seems to have a different type, a different code from the male one: what they say may not always be what we hear. For example: a woman may open her closet, which has a lot of clothes in it, and say to her husband, “Oh, I have nothing to wear right now for us to go out.” But there are 34 dresses, 42 skirts, or 44 blouses, 27 pairs of shoes, among other clothes. So, female logic is different from male logic.

Women have what is called intuition. When men try to lie to them or hide the truth, they notice it more easily than men—unless she is a very naive or unobservant woman. Intuition seems to be better developed in women. Intuition has to do with perceiving things through the unconscious.

Female language often involves concealment, playfulness, and strategy, which can occur somewhat unconsciously. In some cases, it is well thought out and malicious, but most of the time it is not.

A challenge for good relations between men and women has to do with each seeking to understand how the other works. Our tendency is to want to be understood and treated well, regardless of whether we understand or treat others well.

Jesus has an important comment in this context. He commanded his followers, saying, “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7:12)

But the following question arises: who wants this? Who really wants to understand others? Or is it that selfishness and the desire to be desired—period—prevail, without the need to develop knowledge of ourselves, knowledge of others, and do for others what we want them to do for us? And I repeat: this difference in how the female mind works compared to the male mind has nothing to do with intelligence. Brilliant and intelligent women have this difference in relation to men. Let us commit to learn how to look beyond our own perspective, seeking true understanding, and practicing the respect that builds bridges between our beautifully different minds.

Dr. Cesar Vasconcellos de Souza is working as a psychiatrist and international speaker. He is author of 3 books, columnist of the health magazine “Vida e Saúde” for 25 years, and has a regular program on the “Novo Tempo” TV channel.